The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
