I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize