did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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