You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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