I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
