I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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