i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize