just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
