Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
