She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
