mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
