I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I stole a fireplace last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
