I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
