He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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