so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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