Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize