I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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