The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
