Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
