You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize