did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
