you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
