I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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