my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
