Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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