I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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