I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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