mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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