Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
