Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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