The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
