now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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