Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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