He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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