Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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