She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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