I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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