I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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