i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
40s are totally the cure
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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