Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize