It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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