PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
