he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
