I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I will pee on everything he values.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
