Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
