once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
