i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
