My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
