I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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