ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
