When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
