I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
