I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize