He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize