I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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