I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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