His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
