onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
