I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i out mim tonsoeep
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
