When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize