too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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