There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
