Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
