I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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