remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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