haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
