you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
